Please Don’t Die

I hate funerals. I hate emotions (except happiness, drunkenness–I’m aware that’s not an emotion, excitedness–that’s not a word, and glee).

One of my co-workers passed away last week and it was really sad because he was awesome. It’s also sad because I know that he planned out his funeral details before he died and his family is not following his wishes. This is why I’m writing this entry. I want to put it out there.

In case of my death…

  1. I’d like to be frozen and put on display somewhere fun. Not cryogenically– actually in a block of ice. Maybe put me in a shopping mall? Or in the freezer at Outback Steakhouse? I really like it there. The bloomin onions are delicious.
  2. I’d like someone (maybe Deultich–she’s good at the emotional stuff…and she has my password) to write a really nice eulogy on my blog. She must mention a) my incredible singing voice b) my modelesque body and c) my amazing blow jobs. Only one of those is true, but would you want to disappoint a dead person? No.
  3. The Backstreet Boys (or at least nick carter) should perform. If this is not possible I’d like a DJ to play all of the best (worst) hits from the 80s and 90s. Specifically all hits by Ja Rule and The Thong Song.
  4. Open Bar. (duh)
  5. You know that prison video where they do the thriller dance? I want my guests to make one of those… maybe to Britney Spears “Hit Me Baby One More Time”. That would be sweet.
  6. Last but not least, I’d like someone to take the insurance payout and buy a huge billboard to display the photo I have of my ex-boyfriend (asshole) where he’s tied-up naked. Right now I’m holding it as blackmail for when he gets famous/rich, but if I die before that can happen I want the world to see.