Just Can’t Get There

I’m not really into tooting my own horn (lie), but one thing I will say about myself is I am a pretty nice person. Don’t get me wrong, for the sake of comedic effect I can be kinds of evil, but generally I like to be sweet and kind. Today I’m going to tell you the story of the meanest thing that I’ve ever done.

In 9th grade I was dating this freak show named Rob. We started dating during the summer soccer season and feel madly in love in lust. When the school year started back up I got a rude awakening– Rob was a goth. I know that I may look like an idiot for not realizing that earlier, but everyone looks the same in a soccer uniform.

You see, this was just NOT going to work. I was more on the Ralph Lauren and Abercrombie & Fitch (LFO, call me) side of things. And as many of you probably remember, in high school it was all about appearances. So I did a bad thing– I hid him from the world, or at least my world of friends. We would hide out in his english teacher’s room every day at lunch under the guise of researching things for the school newspaper. Really all he did was look at websites about The Crow. Creepy.

Our super secret lunch plans would benefit me in some other ways too. Having the class room alone was the perfect place to hook up. Every day we’d get into the supply closet and go at it. Since I was 14 at the time we didn’t go all the way. Basically he’d do some hand work on me and then I’d give him a blowjay.

Except I had no fucking clue what I was doing. Like a true gentleman he would give me the whole “omg, I’m almost there” warning…

and I would stop.

I guess he didn’t have the heart to tell me that I was supposed to finish him off, and for the 6 months we dated I did that too him every day. Poor guy, he must have had the worst case of blue balls in the whole world. Now I understand why he would always go jack off into a piece of printing paper after we were done.

I almost feel bad for telling the whole school that his pubes smelled like a gorilla.

Almost.