10 things I hate about everything.

My weekend did not disappoint. I had a fantastic time after arriving at LiLu’s a mere 5 hours late, but somehow I still got to see her cooch. Win-win-win. Sunday I woke up and had brunch with Deutlich and LiLu at Ulah Bistro which was…eh. The bartender was great, but my mimosa glass smelled like fish and Deutlich’s burrito was weird/mushy.

Then in a total rock star fashion I had brunch for a second time. Whatever, it’s Sunday. There are no rules on Sunday. Deutlich, DMB,  The Best Michelle and I hit up Belga Cafe and it was freakin delicious. I had some kind of puff pastry smoked salmon waffle thing and violet-infused champagne. Cue “Big Pimpin” please. After brunch we decided to go see a movie because movie theatres are cold and it was hot as a ball sack outside.

On the way to see I Love You, Man (Paul Rudd, Jason Segel CALL ME. Let’s bone), Deutlich was flipping the radio station when she landed on some shitty jazz song that sounded like an eagle dying (don’t kill eagles! they’re endangered!). The ladies basically called me crazy for not liking Jazz music, and it got me thinking– there are a lot of “good” things that I can’t stand. Below is a top (or bottom. however you like it) 10 list of things that people seem to like that I HATE:

  1. Jazz Music- Music without words SUCKS. The only good song without words is Wipeout. I kind of get how people who play a musical instrument could like jazz music, but other than that my mind is completely boggled. It all sounds the same to me! Boo doo doo doo, boop beepboop baddadadada poop on my face blah.
  2. Fireworks- THE NOISE. The noise is so fucking annoying. Why would I want to go outside (yuck) and watch shit in the sky while canons explode in my face when I could just watch one of those flashy computer screen savers? The only fireworks I appreciate are the fake ones at Disney World (lasers rock) because they don’t make noise.
  3. Bob Marley- Yes, Deutlich. His music is relaxing.  I’m not really into relaxing. I can relax when I’m dead. Hearing all that “jammin man” music (do it with the accent! come on!) makes me sad that I’m WV and not laying on a beach somewhere high as a kite.
  4. Being Green- No real reason here. I’m just really lazy. How am I supposed to drive a hybrid car if it’s 4 billion dollars (approximately) more expensive than a regular car? How am I supposed to recycle when I’m drunk most of the time and don’t know whether I’m drinking out of glass or plastic. Come on, people! Think this shit through.
  5. Lost/30 Rock/24- Lost is NOT good. 30 Rock is NOT funny. 24 is the most ridiculous/horrible show on TV. I don’t need to list specific reasons.
  6. Learning- I won’t go out of my way to NOT learn, but I’m not into it. Some people just really like to have skills or learn to read good. Not me. I’m quite content knowing exactly what I know right now. After I kill some more brain cells I may feel differently, but for now I’m pretty happy. I don’t want to be smart enough to understand how the planets fly through the sky. Magic! Magic is a comforting reason!
  7. Gin- Gin tastes like the assholes of donkeys and pine trees combined. How do I know? Because I just gave a donkey a rim job. I have video. Just google “hooker cousins” and “donkey rim job” and you can by those 15 minutes of bliss $100 dollars.* Is that even how much porn costs? Who pays for porn anymore?
  8. Family- My mom’s family is pretty cool**, but I just have no interest in hanging out with anyone over the age of 50. They all live 800000 miles away (mars or texas or something) and I’m just not into Having Friendly Conversations or Catching Up. I just don’t believe that whole Family First thing. McCain Sucks! Oh, is the election over?
  9. Ice Cream- Ice Cream sucks. Especially chocolate ice cream– it’s a poor man’s hot chocolate.
  10. Fancy schmancy Wine Service at Restaurants- Look. I get that some people are into wine. They swirl it around in their glass and talk about it’s oakey afterbirth and stuff–that’s just not me. If I order a bottle of wine I probaby picked it for a) the price b) the cool name c) the promise of fruity goodness in the description. I do not want to hear about where it’s from. I do not want to have a little sip and have to make up something about how it corked perfectly (awesome sex term!***) or envelops all things beautiful in the world. Just give me a twist-off bottle and I’ll be happy.

*I am going to get the best google hits off that one!
**My dad’s family is the spawn of the devil.
***I don’t know what that means.